Middle School In China Declares War On Western World

Danger: The WAR is about to come!

"2009, Go China!", drafted and approved by teachers in Zhejiang Yueqing Middle School, is about how a triumphant China is rising against earthquakes and the wiles of evil politicians like Nicolas Sarkozy in "pathetic Europe" with a successful Olympics, the launch of Shenzhou 7 and the "iron will" of its people. 

It's considered as an official war declaration by the school against all western countries who disagree with Chinese government. 

This is the declaration video released on the internet.

It's written in modern poetry, translated as below:

2009, Go China!

Lead: Snowstorm, freely falling down to earth, like western values
Lead: Despair fills the sky, ice covers the earth

Lead: Did China retreat?
All: No. The Olympics were a success! We are victorious!
Lead: Hot blood and iron will of Chinese people, lighten up the dark world like burning the holy flame
All: The rivers and mountains, ever more colorful and beautiful

Lead: Earthquakes, shifting back and forth like the positions of Sarkozy, with his dirty tricks, trying to shake the great China
Lead: Did China retreat?
All: No. The Shenzhou-7 launched. We are victorious!
Lead: Pathetic Europe will never stop the insurmountable force of our great dynasty
All: Just the aftershocks from the earthquake would destroy France!

Lead: The happy flowers flourish in the oil fields on Tarim Basin
Lead: The suona [musical instrument] sings aloud in the Tawang district of the Himalayas
Lead: Historically accumulated resentment fill the Ryukyu Trench
All: Smiles in Sun Moon Lake became a miraculous flower in the Pacific Ocean

Lead: Do not waver, do not slow down, do not make big changes
Lead: Do not change the flag, Do not turn back
All: Step ruthlessly over all anti-China forces

Lead: The giant ship full of patches, raise up the brand new sail
All: Spirits are high, crash through the waves, the wind is at our back
Lead: 2009
All: Go China
Lead: 2009
All: China the Greatest

Leaders of western countries have yet to respond. This could be the most serious diplomacy crisis since the foundation of People's Republic of China.

The Onion: China Celebrates Its Status As World's Number One Air Polluter

The Onion: Citing Poor Conditions, China Refuses To Send Delegation To Olympics

Citing Poor Conditions, China Refuses To Send Delegation To Olympics

BEIJING—In an 11th-hour move that shocked the international athletic and political communities alike, the Chinese Olympic Team announced Wednesday that it will not be attending the XXIX Olympiad in Beijing due to "shocking, shameful, and ultimately dangerous environmental conditions" in the host city.

"Given the unconscionably bad environmental state of the area in and around the site of the 2008 Summer Games, we cannot in good conscience allow Chinese athletes to compete in China," said Olympic committee spokesman Sun Weide. "We deeply apologize to China for the bitter disappointment they will feel at not being represented in these Games. However, we place the blame squarely on China for their failure to prepare a suitable venue for international competition."

"Frankly, it seems to me that in terms of air quality, water purity, and general contamination, Beijing is barely even capable of supporting human life, let alone strenuous activities such as team sports, swimming, and long-distance running," added Weide, who has lived in Beijing all his life. "We can only hope our refusal to compete in this city will result in real change for its long-suffering residents."

Weide's sentiments were echoed by other high-ranking members of China's Olympic athletic community.

"China's Olympic athletic community should be deeply ashamed of itself," said Zhang Tianbai, deputy director of the PRC's Athletic Sciences and Education Department and director of China's Olympic Committee. "When factories have to be shut down for a month beforehand just to clear the air, when automobile traffic is artificially thinned to reduce smog, when thousands of uniformed men have to dredge the river mere days before the regatta, in a city that is supposed to be the pride of a nation and the athletic center of the world for two weeks—disgusting is not too strong a word."

Director Tianbai joined Li Furong, vice president of the Chinese Olympic Committee, in calling for the immediate resignation and possible indictment of the entire Chinese Olympic Committee.

The 639 athletes chosen to represent China were informed Wednesday night that they would not in fact be competing in Beijing. Although all were shocked at the suddenness of the decision, most took the news stoically.

"I was very much looking forward to making China proud," said 100-meter hurdling champion Liu Zhang, who had expected to defend his gold medal in Beijing. "But, if I am honest, China should be ashamed of itself."

"I shall regret this for the rest of my life, but I think the current conditions Beijing are currently worse than the ones I encounter in my polluted, petroleum-fume-choked home town," said Rockets center Yao Ming, easily the team's most prominent athlete. "Which is Beijing. Things have gotten even worse since I moved."

"It brings me great sorrow to say this, as I had hoped that Chinese athletes would return from Beijing triumphant, having demonstrated our nation's greatness on a global stage," Hu Jintao, president and paramount leader of the People's Republic of China. "However, China's blatant disregard for its responsibility to the basic health, welfare, and safety of its Olympic participants has forced us to withdraw China's athletes for their own protection, and I urge the Olympic teams of all other nations to do the same."

China's Olympic team will spend one last night in their Olympic quarters before returning Friday to Beijing, where they will resume training for next year's Pan-American Games.

Foreign: French People Figured It Out, Finally

Still Watching Bond Movie? We Are Being 007 In Campus!

Still dreaming about being as cool as 007? Students in some Chinese universities have already realized their spy dreams of wiping out evil persons from behind and, in secret.

A professor in Eastern China Politics And Law University is under investigation from the local public security bureau for his counterrevolutionary speech in class. The professor's filthy behavior of saying bad words about Chinese government and teaching students to think as independent people was finally exposed to the public thanks to the bold effort of two female Bond-like undergraduate students. This is not the first time evil professors get caught in China, but is the first case in which students' effort is publicly involved.

↓University students guarding their
beloved government, China.
"It's unendurable to insult the greatness and rightness of our government" says one of the heroine, "If our beloved government claims itself to be 'great, glorious and always right', then it IS!" When asked about her attitude toward the critics from China's 210 million netizens and other thinking people, the girl affirmed confidently:"It's just a very small group of people being jealous of our great socialism system and conspiring to beat us down. We won't fall for their evil words."

Inspired by the two "female Bonds'" victory over the counterrevolutionary force, universities around the country have been busy establishing new systems to promote spy actions to guard the virginity of socialism. Recruitment for "Information Agent" is being held in all campuses. "Information Agent" is responsible for watching on lecturers in universities and if any counterrevolutionary words came out, agents would report to universities' "Truth Department" (a special governmental department that decides what's true and what's not) and further steps will be taken. In reward, student agents will get privilege in all aspects including test scores, promotion in student union and entering higher school.

↓The Recently Recruited "Information Agents", China
(picture is photoshopped to keep the agents' identities secret)

What's more? You don't even have to be an agent to act like an agent. All students are encouraged to disclose counterrevolutionary words or behaviors from any people, especially the ones they're familiar with.

The "Everybody is 007" system is enthusiastically welcome by students who are members of the country's communist party. "The country's long and exciting history of 'betray for benefit' has finally revived! I've been waiting so long!" a student party member shed his tears, "I spiritually castrated myself to be a party member for privilege, but the rewarding was not as good as I expected. Now I can get more privilege by my own hard work on selling out people around me. This is the fair system I've been expecting! The harder you work, the more you get!"

It looks like even Mr. Bond will turn unbelievably vulnerable in front of the country's determination. "This is a sky net covering everybody" said a president of a university, "The system we've built even compares to what we had in the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution. We feel relieved now because the 'greatness, glory and rightness' our government claim is secured."

Stop Breathing Out Carbon-Dioxide! You Bustard!

Being the NO.1 carbon-dioxide emitting country, China has always been committed to protecting the environment. A member of the Chinese Academy of Science (CAS) has proved the country's determination again by presenting a fantastic idea: tax every single citizen for breathing out carbon-dioxide.

The member's idea, also called "breathing tax", has been recognized as another grand achievement and discovery by CAS this year, other than the globally established poisonous milk and the amazing result of the academy's Government Responsibility Rank Report.

"20RMB per person per month and it'll be 25 billion (3.6 billion USD) a month. The money collected will be used to improve our environment, so it's a wonderful!" the member said confidently.

As our survey shows, the nation has largely been shocked at this idea. "Warlordous", "banditious", "brigandagous", "bustardous", people around the country use all kinds of words to express their surprise. "It reminds me of the feudal ages when we had to pay the 'having a head' tax to the emperor" trembles a citizen as he trying to hold his breath to save the world, "I've decided to breath less to get a discount on the breathing tax."

The tax proposal is been debated by the experts. If it gets approved, the Chinese government, as the pioneer of everything in China, will give each official another car to see if the cars can lock up carbon-dioxide and prevent emission. The experiment will approximately last for a decade, and if it works, the government will promote all Chinese citizens to breathe in cars instead of in the open air.

Graduates Compete To Sell Pork

Despite the avalanching economy, graduates' work opportunities have boosted. Recently, some 1500 graduate students of all majors applied to sell pork in a franchise store, Guangdong China.

"We're not surprised at all" as the store's owner said, "Pork Man has been turning into a more and more attractive job for graduates. That's the only thing they can do, what else can they expect?"

Due to the limitless expansion of universities, college students in China are becoming worthless everyday. "We just couldn't find someone who's able to act normally!" a human resource manager of a private English school said when he was telling us a real story that an English major graduate applicant started the interview with "Can we do this in Chinese?"

Despite a substantial rise in production quantity, the universities' mindless expansion has lead to a total collapse of the products' quality which, thus, effectively cut the productivity to zero. According to statistics, 90 percent of the graduates are most skillful in computer games leaving the rest 10 percent students "have absolutely no ability in anything".

We interviewed a Pork Man applicant asking if he would feel that his academic investment had wasted in vein if he got the job. "Why the hell should I feel regret or pity?!" he yelled firmly, "I don't care what job it is, chopping pigs or what. The point is, they pay me a lot of money! That's all I signed up for! F*ck academy, f*ck degree! I attended university because everybody else was thriving to. I didn't really know why I should attend one." Interestingly, when we asked Everybody, they claimed that they didn't know why either.

Statistics show that in China, 48% senior high graduates consider university as a place to play computer games, and pay and wait for a piece of paper called "degree"; 30% think it's for them to mate mates; 2% guess it might be a place to study; 10% are lost. When asked if people should do something about this, the minister of the Ministry of Education said: Everything has a negative side and we just have to accept that. He emphasized that the expansion is a decision that has made great achievement, a substantial number of people who didn't want to achieve in academic now are now paying the universities, and the profit of higher education business has tripled. "Generally, the result quite satisfies our original intention" said the minister, "and the expansion will continue benefiting us... I mean... the society."

The Pork Man recruitment result will be announced on next Wednesday. The selected will have a 10 years internship before they officially sign a contract with the store.

You, Yes You, You Are A Psycho Now!

"Using Real Internet Non-stoppably frEquently"(URINE) has been officially named as a psychological disease in the recently announced "National Internet Psycho Standard".

URINE includes all people who need to use internet a lot, especially adolescence who play computer games. Due to the lack of computer knowledge of the experts in the National Internet Committee, who made the standard, playing computer and video games has been considered as a major part of URINE.

↓ Psychos in internet bar, China

The standard's definition has been a bone of contention since it came out. Netizens argue that they are not psycho. They greet the experts by using F words in various ways and claim the experts are the real psychos. "You know what? These sh*theads (the experts) are more than just mother-f*cker, they are GRAND-mother-f*cker!!" as a senior netizen says.

The experts also suggest all psychos, approximately 200 million netizens, get at least one therapy.

"Anyone who plays video games frequently is a URINE psycho whether adolescence or not" said a senior doctor in Beijing Internet Psycho Treatment Center, "and these people need our care and therapy service."

Undoubtedly, despite the overheated debate, the controversial standard has also brought hope to China's recession suffering economy. According to the price list of the centre, a three months therapy costs 25,000 RMB (about 3700$). "You can get a 20% discount if you check in two kids together" continued the doctor, "and it's quite a good deal compared to other centers."

↑ Psycho adolescence getting treatment, China

On the wall: Be Human Be Useful, Benefit Family, Harmonize Society.

Beside treatment centers, some much tougher hard core programs have been developed to help the psychos and the economy. "Military-like training camp combines the therapy with military drill and tough labor to remind the spoiled kids the meaning of their lives" said the principle of a famous camp, "As the principle, I'll be as strict as I can to the inmates. Some say this is not right, but I say, I love these kids, and that gives me all the rights to abuse them! It's for their own good!"

China Tests Its Next Generation High Speed Train

After years of research and development, China's next generation high speed train finally startedi its on-rail test. The train has been highly expected to feed the country's long being hunger for railway transportation.

Powered by a thoroughly reconstructed van, the train can approximately travel at a speed of 250 miles per hour. "The new train is so gonna save our asses," said an anonymous officer from the National Department of Public Security "the hard time is over, now we'd have enough capacity to transport all the deported migrant farmer workers to where we want them to be."

It's not all good news. Concerns have been raised that there might be a design flaw in the train. Some engineers think that without a shield covering the back, cargoes on the train could get blowed away during high speed riding.

"That's too much worrying," as the officer went on "the quantity of farmers is huge, we can totally bear several hundred thousand losing."

The test on the train is scheduled to run for a decade before it's ready for the market. You can email us if you get to take a ride with it.

World's Most Powerful Search Engine Now In China

Google is yesterday's technology, meet the new most powerful search engine "BaiGooHoo" in China.

The word "BaiGooHoo" consists of each three letters of Baidu, Google, Yahoo, which are the most popular three search engines in China.

It's page is like any search engine except with a longer name:

But the results page has been hailed as a major innovation in searching technology:

The page is divided into three columns, each showing the results page of the actual engine.

A member of the China Science Academy says the new addition in China's "imitation culture" is a sign of great progress in China' technology. "To make such innovative idea come true, a lot of high-end technologies are needed", the member said, "and this means now we finally have someone who can use HTML in China!"

The three "columned" companies have been keeping quiet on this issue. According to the rumors, the three companies may shut their own site and merge into "BaiGooHoo" permanently.

Even Revolution Can Be Hot

In this enthusiastic series of revolution portraits of Chinese revolution, we finally get the idea that the power of sexuality is beyond the boundaries.

We've given each one a title to help you understand the true spirit lies in Chinese revolution.
Think thorouphly!


The March of The Soldiers

On the lattern: We Must Revolute Taiwan!

Shower in The Wild

Responsible Doctor On Mission

I Don't Know What You're Looking At

It's a Serious Butt

Guys, It's Hot Here.

Shooting Practice

Learning Mao's Thoughts

Shower in Revolution Wind

Salute To My Underwear

I'm A Brick In The Construction of Socialism

Putting On Some Clothes

Revolution Nees Nap Too

Fighting Capitalism

Ready To Blow Imperialism Up

Laundry For The People

Socialism Clothes Are Tight

On The Beach

Stand Up To The Sky

Roger! Roger!

Too Many Books For The Young

Too Many Books For The Young

Nov. 20th 2008

"There are too many and too various books in the market and it's a serious threat for teenagers' reading." Jiang Build Country (it's a direct translation of his name), the newly nominated deputy director of National Press Administration, stressed on today's "Sit And Talk Meeting for Suggestions Collecting of Cultural Environment Protection Project"(I know, it's long) held in Beijing No.2 Middle School.

"The purpose of our education is to make the youngsters cultivated and an important measure to do that is to make th

em read. But there are too many books of too great diversity in the market, which is a serious problem threatening our kids' reading! To solve the problem, efforts have to be made by the country. Thus, the government shall ass kick, cleanse and guide the market. "

As Jiang said, the National Press Administration has been working on making up books they want people to read and burning books they don't want people to read since it was founded. Under the central government's abetment, they've successfully made the Chinese press a harmonious world where the most valuable information is the inaccurate weather forecast.

This picture is a convincing example of how tremendously the country's effort has paid off. These are copies of four different newspapers issued on Aug. 19th 2007. As you can see, the four papers' front pages share exactly the same face. Netizens dub this as "a grandiose part in the history of human press".

But the officers in the National Press Administration are not people who satisfy easily. The country's press is still way too diverse to meet their strict standard. There is no doubt that they will continue fighting against diversity and liberty of press and secure the mindless cultivation of our next generation.

Who can say China is not lucky to have dedicated officers like this?

Our best greetings to the officers' ancestors!

No University Education For Students Not Kind To Parents

The chief officer of the admissions office of Beijing University, one of the two best universities in China (yes they only have two), recently claimed that there is no room for students who are not kind to their parents.

The chief officer came up with a guideline for applicants this year, which says to be enrolled, you have to be in lusty love with the university, be kind to your parents, be non-split in personality and lastly, hold a good score. According to the officer, the "be kind to your parents" rule originates from an ancient Chinese idiom says "how can you clean the world if you don't clean your own room?" He says it's beyond his imagination that a person who's not kind to his parents can benefit the nation.

But the expert panel of admission thinks it's it's too obvious to put it in the guideline. So they changed the "be kind to your parents" to "have your heart tied to the world". The chief officer won't give up. He swore to develop a series of measures to find out events indicating applicants' unkindness to their parents and reject them.

Also in this year's pre-recruitment (students pay money to meet with the university in advance to talk the recruiters into giving them unfair advantage points over students who don't do it), Beijing University will be offering an extra 10 points to students who are Beijing residents because the beijing students are too dull to have a fair play with students from other provinces. When doubted if the beijing students are really so dull, the school argued with the fact that even the examines for beijing students, compared to examines of other provinces, are ridiculously imbecilic, the average score of beijing students is still extremely low.

The Chinese netizens showed a strong resistance to the school's deflected offer to beijing students. Some of them suggest Beijing University change it's name to "Beijing's University"; some netizens doubted the officer's ability to detect students' unkindness to their parents; some express their opinion by greeting the officer's ancestors with intense words like "f@ck" "ass".

Beside, a worrying concern has been raised toward the "be kind" rule. According to another ancient Chinese idiom, "of the three unkindnesses to parents, the most guilty one is have no descendants." In this way, Beijing University is not likely to accept any China's senior high graduates for only a tiny portion of graduates could avoid getting defined as "unkind to parents" by the pissed officer. It would cause a serious crisis for the university if no students were accepted.

But it's not all bad news! A netizen has already figured out a way works both for the students and the university. Students could change there nationality to a foreign country then apply the university as foreign students. Because the university accepts almost any foreign students who can speak some Chinese and have lots of money, students with a rich family will all be able to get the best education in China's best university.

Maybe this is the result the admission chief had worked so hard for and it paid off!

A China You Never Read Before

In case you don't know, China is a country in east Asian with the largest population in the world.

In case you don't know too, China's population is a magical ridiculously magical country.

People there think differently, very differently, in a weird way.

To give you a better view of that, I decided to translate REAL Chinese "news" into English.

Attention: these "news" are REAL!

It's actually happening in a society compose of human beings on this planet!

Join the adventurous absurdity!